Parenting in Turkey can be hard at times especially dealing with the different cultures and being far away from family. Recently I was questioned about how I discipline my child by a Turkish women and told how Turkish Mum’s are better at disciplining their kids. Here is my answer.
Bringing a child up in Turkey has been so far for me easy in some aspects and hard in others. We live far enough away from the in laws to escape their constant interferences, being told what to do and what not to do even if the advice is maybe a little outdated or even seems a little crazy. But we also have no family or close friends around us for help when we need it and if you are a parent you will understand how important that help can be.
Recently I was asked by a teacher who is not yet a parent about how us westerners discipline our children. Her opinion is that we do not discipline or correct our children that we allow them to do as they please. This made me laugh because it is commonly thought by us expats that Turkish parents don’t take a hard enough line with their kids and that they are spoilt and allowed to do as they please.
Having recently spent some time at the In Laws, I watched as my little boy went from a reasonably behaved 11/2 year to a spoilt brat in two weeks all due to the fact that when he cried he got given, and if he didn’t get he threw tantrum and got given. I tried in vain to stop this happening and all I got told was you can’t let him cry (all crocodile tears I may add).
It was harding not being listened to or understood on how I wanted things to be done with my child. If I got annoyed with him or took something off him that he shouldn’t have, I got looked at as if I was being a bad mother, when they gave him sweets before breakfast and I took them away or given a lollipop that turns into bubblegum I felt like I was being insulting but not letting him have them.
It also hard when often Turkish men won’t go against their mothers advice and it wasn’t until we arrived home and our spoilt brat was causing havoc did my hubby understand how important it is to set boundaries especially for a strong willed little boy like ours.
I am not hard on my child but I expect ‘NO’ to be exactly that and not ‘NO’ now you’re crying so ok you can have it. How is a child to learn where the boundaries are unless you draw them for him. Boundaries not only show a child what he can’t do but also how to do things safely and help you when they really have to hear you.
So as to the question of discipline. Well I think that Turkish parents when a child is young is likely to be softer than westerners they are given to so they don’t cry, but as the child gets older, they are taught to respect their elders, to respect their culture and their family and given strong values for life.
I remember my nephew about 4 years ago was wild and a little out of control and allowed to do so. I would often say to hubby that they should be setting boundaries and teaching him right from wrong not letting him have his own way. Yet now he his a lovely boy, with good grades and is great with my little boy. What a dramatic change from the wild toddler. I look at my neighbour’s grandchildren the oldest is well mannered, bright and respects his elders, his younger brother just 4 is non stop and naughty, yet in the few years I have known him I have watched him slowly become better behaved and become more like his brother.
From spoilt brats to well behaved and rounded children, does that make the way Turkish parents raise their children better from us or worse than us?
As parents we never know if what we are doing is right, the quietest well behaved child can rebel and the wild crazy child can become a top student and go far. We never know how life and the world will mold them. So who is right and who is wrong, who are the better parents Turkish or Expat. Well neither, we are all doing our best all trying to achieve the same thing. To raise our children to the best they can be and give them the start at life they deserve.
© 2013 – 2015, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.
7 Responses to “Are Turkish Parents Better? | Parenting in Turkey”
11th March 2013
Michael WestHi Kerry..A very good article and one I definately agree with. I wrote an article last week regarding Turkish children. Maybe you would like to look.
http://maninantalya.blogspot.com/2013/03/teenage-kicks.html
30th July 2013
clairehi kerry. i found your post so interesting. i myself live with my turkish husband in the u.k but we are currently in turkey for a month visiting family with our 2 children. my husband and i had this conversation whilst at the park lastnight with our son (2years old). before he had come to the u.k i bought my son to live here in turkey for 3months. so he could get time with his dad and his grandparents etc. i used to comment on how rude turkish kids were as i got stared at and pointed at in the streets, i mentioned if my kid ever did that id tell him he was being rude and teach him right from wrong. my husband disagreed by saying they werent rude and that British kids were much more misbehaved than turkish ( he had never visited the u.k at this point). after spending over a year living in the u.k and now being back in turkey and taking our son to the park, my husband said turkish kids are so rude and cheeky. my 2 year old son was trying to play with a kid of the same age, the kid got a handful of muck held his shorts opened and put the muck down his shorts. we have also noticed other kids hitting him just because he wanted to play with them, and the parents just sit on the park bench and continue talking to friends.my husband told the kid off for hitting and my son continued to play on his own. i definately get the sense that turkish kids dont get disaplined. i also get that look of my inlaws when i give my son a choice of holding my hand or going into the pram and he does neither. i just lift him put him in the pram explain why hes there and let him cry it out. they all want to lift him and cuddle him when he crys also. i know that turkish people in general grow up to respect their elders alot more than kids in the u.k but i just totally disagree with the no-disipline thing
4th September 2013
Kerry ArslanThanks Claire, I can agree with you on all you have said, I had to tell a girl off at the Park the other day for trying to drag my boy about who didnt want to go down the slide, she thought I wasn’t looking and did it again I was so annoyed. My husband said shes just playing!! And having just been at the In laws who the minute my boy cried would give him or hug him extra and if I got upset at him would tell me off! I have no perfected the don’t mess with me look for my MIL so I think they have learned to back off. Baran is great with other kids and knows how to share and I don’t want him to be taught any different. I keep my fingers crossed though come the teenage years he keeps his calm attitude to life!
15th August 2013
JillI spent a week with my Turkish SIL, American BIL and their 12y.o. daughter. They never disciplined her, set zero boundaries and gave in every time she wanted something, even after they said no initially. They do not have a lot of $$ to waste but will say say yes to everything she asks for, even if initially they “try” to say no. Their daughter is so incredibly disrespectful to them. She tells them they’re lame, shut up and makes faces at them behind their backs and takes pleasure in physically hurting her dad. She seemed closer to her dad than her mom but basically showed neither of them any respect. It was disgusting. She was rude to her other aunt as well. I don’t see how she will turn into a respectful person in a few short years given how she behaves at 12 years old. I’m just not seeing it unless the Turkish culture teaches something different and suddenly imposes boundaries and discipline at age 13. Even if that was the case, how would a child go from being rude, belligerent, spoiled and disrespectful for 12 years to kind, compassionate and respectful? This life and behavior is all she knows.
4th September 2013
Kerry ArslanThis sounds like an expection, most kids but that age have learned their manners, she just sounds like a spolit brat that you get all over the world. I feel sorry for her parents, but kids are often surprising and she may just turn around a corner one day and change. We all change as we grow older some for the best.
1st February 2019
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25th May 2020
FatmaI have been an Au Pair/Nanny for 3 families and I see similarities. Maybe it the Turkish culture but the discipline doesnt seem rigid and the children argue or increase their voice which I found disturbing. This also may be a Europern/Western trend specifically among higher class families..IF you are coming from an Asian family specifically Chinese or Indian or even African you will clearly recognize differences in disciplinary.I also do not mean discipline as in spanking a child but taking the time out to sit and talk with a child about their behavior teaching them the correct and impolite way.EVen if you have to do this multiple time a day, this is what a parent is suppose to do.and if the child doesnt listen after he clearly understand the consequences then it is necessary to fufllfill the promise consequence of his or her actions.