When you first start living with your Turkish Partner you may find you have more problems than putting the toilet seat down and who left the top of the toothpaste tube.
Your different Cultures can lead to problems and issues that you just were not expecting.
Like me many people meet their Turkish Partner while on holiday in Turkey. For some it’s a whirlwind romance and for others like myself we embark on a long distance relationship only seeing your partner a few times a year for short periods of time.
You spend many hours online or on the phone talking and getting to know each other from a distance. It is very rare that you will actually decide to live together before you marry, unlike many in the Western World living together before marriage is still frowned on in Turkish Culture.
Once married either your partner or you will move to start your life together. And what they say is true you don’t really know someone until you live with them.
My husband and I were together for 5 years before we married, we talked online or on the phone and we met up as often as we could. But the amount of time we spent together was probably less than a year over the entire 5 year period.
Once married I waited one more year before I moved to Turkey to live with my husband. I thought I knew him well and that he knew me well from the thousands of hours we spent chatting.
Yes we knew each other and we understood each others ideas and opinions and each others history but what we didn’t know were each others habits and ways.
What we also didn’t really get to understand until we started living with each other was how both of our different Cultures would conflict with various things we did and how we acted.
Its very easy when meeting up with each other while dating and dealing with a long distance relationship, to be slightly different than yourself, first you have that holiday feeling and second you haven’t seen each other for months and you want to make the most of the time together and may overlook any hints of behaviour and Culture differences.
When we first moved in together we often had arguments and clashes over Cultural differences. I battled against many of the ways my husband was used to because I felt my way of life and the way I viewed it was being ignored.
There were times I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I got fed up of the Culture card being played, ‘This is the way it is here’, ‘This is how its done’, ‘You’re not in the UK anymore’ ‘What will other people think’
Turkish men also have very strong prides and if you wound it or embarrass him in front of his friends or family you can expect to end up with him in a bad mood or in a Huff, Turkish men a very good at taking the huff!
They are also can be very lazy around the home due to being pampered all their lives by their Mothers and following the example of their Fathers and other male friends and relatives.
All of these things can come as a surprise and cause a lot of problems, while you try to point out that this is not what is expected and this not how we do things in the West. Men are expected to pull their weight around the home, they shouldn’t get upset if we expect them home at 7 and then phone at 8 wondering where they are. We are not here just to clean up behind them or act like their mothers.
I am pretty sure I drove my husband round the bend with my ideas and Culture at the start and that he was scratching his head wondering what he had done.
It is important to find a middle ground in any relationship and in a mixed culture relationship its is also important to respect each others Cultures and why certain things and ways are important to the person.
We took time to discuss things, to look at the different issues. Sure at the time I might not have been too impressed with some of his ideas and refused to acknowledge them, but if I wanted my husband to compromise with my ways then I had to do the same for him.
It didn’t happen overnight, but we have now learned each others ways and understand the things that are important to each other. There is still those odd times when I hear ‘but thats they way its done here’, but now I shrug my shoulders and decide either to ignore it or go along with it. More often than not its nice to make my husband happy and he also now does the same for me.
My advice in dealing with the Culture clash is learn as much as you can about your partner’s Culture and ways before you make the big move. Learn to find compromises and take time out to talk about them. But don’t just plant your feet in the ground and say its my way or the highway neither of you will ever be happy. Turkish Culture isn’t all that bad in fact there is a lot we can learn from it, just don’t lose yourself in the process.
Have you struggled dealing with the different Cultures? How do you and your partner deal with the different Cultures?
© 2013 – 2015, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.
11 Responses to “Living with Your Turkish Partner and the Culture Clash”
20th March 2013
SallyLoved reading this…oh so true! I encountered the “Huff” last week when visiting the in-laws – asked my husband to shush so we could listen to his brother playing the Saz…if looks could kill! Luckily he is quite domesticated & a brilliant cook….unlike most Turkish men 🙂
26th April 2013
theveganfoodophileI’ve just come across your blog and am enjoying it. Many of the articles ring true with my experiences, especially this one!
I get so annoyed when my husband doesn’t come home when he says he will or the classic ‘where are you?’ which is answered with a ‘buralardayim (I’m around)’ or the ‘where are you?’ which is answered by ‘geliyorum (I’m coming)’. I could never imagine my dad going out without telling my mum exactly where he’s going, who with and when he’ll be home, but trying to get definite answers to those questions from a Turkish man is like trying to get blood out of a stone. Turkish men are definitely not used to having to answer to anyone. Getting answers to simple questions from a husband seems so basic to me and no matter how much I adapt to the Turkish culture there are just some things I cannot accept.
Oh another one is trying to get husband to help around the house. Example, we were at my in-laws visiting for a few weeks and she would make breakfast and I would clean up but I was sick of having to always be the one to clean up and was suffering with morning sickness so I tried to get my husband to help, but as soon as he got up and started bringing plates to the sink, my mother-in-law jumped off and told my husband to go and sit down! I know you’re a Turkish man, but you’re married to a foreigner now and this foreigner believes that men can help clean up after themselves and answer questions! 😉
27th April 2013
Kerry ArslanWell done on getting your Husband to even clear the dishes even if his Mum stopped him, mine would never do that at his Mums, he is getting better in our own home just as long as no one see’s him.
I had this issue with him not say when he would come back or who he was with etc. In the end I had a big talk with him over it and said if I went out without saying who I was with, when I would be back or where I was going you wouldn’t like it. I let him mull it over for a bit and he now lets me know. But it wasn’t without a few rows over it.
What can be really annoying is they often don’t accept our ways and our culture and it took my husband a little bit of time to understand I had a way of doing things that were different but not wrong.
Its hard at the start but as they mature they get a little better 😉
23rd October 2013
Deborah KivrakI totally agree with Turkish men not answering you,it actually makes me crazy. I find it quite rude and totally unnecessary .Another thing I find is trying to discuss anything,it just doesn’t happen and planning anything,well forget it.All these things drive me mad ,but we are working at these things .I adore my husband,but communication is so important.
He does actually help with everything around the home if I ask and will regularly help with the washing up and cookingI get tea in bed most mornings!!
.I also have his 2 sons living with us and they both make their beds and help around the house.
24th October 2013
Kerry ArslanHi Deborah, the amount of times I will say, are you listening and I get huh!! drives you mad and don’t bother trying to plan in advance just no point. Your lucky you get a hand around the house, can I send mine over for some training please 🙂
19th August 2014
DiHi, just embarking on a relationship with a Turkish man…… already sounds familiar . Thanks
2nd February 2015
Kelly GundogduMy husband moved away from his family at the age of 16 to work, therefore he had to learn how to look after himself, so is great at doing his fair share of work around the house, and even with his family he is the same and while they tell him not to I think they like the fact that he does help and shows his appreciation for the work they do. Turkish life is built on the ‘5 minutes means an hour’ rule so always bear this in mind when they say ‘I’m coming’, or ‘I’ll only be gone a bit’!
I think any marriage will always have the period of learning to adapt to each others way of thinking and again like any marriage if you really want it to work then compromise is important. We have been together 14 years and married for nearly 12 years – not bad considering I’m only 36! But like anything in life you have to work at it….nothing comes easily in this life and while you can talk about things before you settle down it still doesn’t prepare you for the reality of sharing your life with another person. You never just marry the man you also marry into the family and the most important thing for everyone to have is respect for another persons thoughts, feelings and beliefs….as long as you have that and are willing to compromise (sometimes) you should be fine!
22nd October 2015
Mallory ÜtebayWow, I am so glad I read this article. My husband and I had a blow up this morning, one of many revolving around the same subject: housework. I am a firm believer in shared housework, 50/50, you could call me a feminist in this regard, and he is very pro-woman taking care of all of the household responsibilities. Me, being the feminist that I am, often see this as misogynistic. I always get frustrated with him when he insists that I do it all and he will not pitch in and he gets frustrated at my point of view. We both work full time (he as a commercial/residential painter and I in a finance office) and we’re both wiped when we get home.
However, the way you worded this was perfect and really gave me some perspective; his views are solely based on his upbringing (he was spoiled as a kid, as it is with most Turkish men, with the women in the family doing all of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/you name it and the men most frequently lounging/chatting) so he expects to live in the same environment he was raised in. I need to look at this from said vantage point instead of thinking he’s being lazy and doesn’t want to contribute anything or is being disrespectful. (For the record, he does a majority of the cooking and I am extremely lucky in that regard.)
We are both very hard-headed (which I’m sure drives an already stubborn Turkish man nuts!) and sometimes find it hard to come to an agreement on issues such as this. I will be bringing up this article when I get home from work today; I needed to read this from someone else’s perspective, understand that I am not the only one experiencing this and see the reasoning that I always knew was there written in plain black and white instead of through a lens of emotions. We have both made huge compromises for each other, but I owe it to him to compromise on things that, to me, seem irrelevant but are so incredibly important to him.
Cultural differences can be extremely difficult to navigate because neither one of you wants to give up what you have always known to be true, but that is what we sign up for when entering an intercultural relationship. Because of this we must compromise and read between the lines in order to truly understand one another.
23rd October 2015
Kerry ArslanHi Mallory
I am so happy this article has helped and that as you write I can see you thinking it through as to his point. I think compromise in any relationship is important as long as it works both ways and not just one way…. Something I found very interesting and has helped us, is the stories we tell ourselves in our head like, “look at him, he never does anything I do all the work and I work all day and he just wants to be the man” from him it could be “god I am so tired and I hope we have enough money for this or that, look at the state of this place, I better go get dinner on” When we look at an issue or build up a problem we tell ourselves a story around it. This in turn develops the way we will react. Men in all honesty are very simple in thinking and I’ve found if I just as for hubby to do something rather than building a big story around it he does it. But if I expect him just to do it likely chance he wont. And if I don’t ask and allow the story to build we have a fight… I hope you are both finding a way to sort out the house work, maybe a cleaner might be a way forward (I would love one 🙂 no housework would be bliss )
3rd July 2017
Allie GündemirWow! This article is great! So helpful!
I just recently got married, my Husband and I both 26. He was born and raised in Turkey. I am very fortunate enough to have a loving man who does communicate with me and tells me exactly where he is. He knows I am not nagging but concerned and respects me enough to let me know what’s going on. But the pride thing and the being lazy around the house drives me CRAZY. Not to mention the jealousy! I was born and raised in America so obviously I have very different views on where woman and men stand in relationships. They are both equal in my opinion and as long as both of them work both should share the burden of chores and keeping up the house. We are currently in Turkey and have been staying with his mother and younger brother, never have I seen anything like this, both him and his bother will eat and literally get up and walk back to their rooms, leaving their plates and everything behind! Will NOT lift a finger in the house but stay in the rooms all day either watching TV or playing video games! So naturally this infuriates me. His mom is constantly cleaning the house, cooking and keeping up after the pets while both her sons sit and lay around the house. I’ve taken it upon myself to help his mother as much as I can! I mean she’s letting us stay with them and has given my husband and I her own room! I’m irritated with my husband because since being here he has gotten unbelievably lazy. I do remind him to pick up his plate and take it to the sink and his brother laughs and my husband gets embarrassed and starts mumbling in Turkish! But asking him to do anything else is like pulling teeth! Like “Babe, please sweep the house while I clean the kitchen for your mother while she’s out” followed by a grown man about to throw a tantrum. I have talked to him about this and how this will NOT work in this marriage and all I sound like is a naggy annoying wife and I don’t want to be like that! I get so frustrated I have to hold back tears of anger and walk out of the room! But I do love him and he is an amazing and loving husband, truly! Thankfully I find comfort in relating to others on this post, some of the comments I can’t help but laugh because they are so spot on, a community of woman who deal with Turkish men! 😂 I understand that I have to realize the culture he grew up with and not to be angry about our differences but work past them! I know that I love the man I married and know I have to learn how to communicate with him in different ways that isn’t bitching and nagging! Being a stubborn femist western woman is a very hard habit to break but I am leaning how to become a better, more patient and understanding wife to a wonderful Turkish man!
14th April 2018
JayneHi, I am finding these articles very interesting to gauge a better understanding of Turkish life and culture but I struggle to find one with advice about friendship (all be it miles apart) with a Turkish man and the correct etiquette. Also any indications about the small initial gestures that have occurred between us as it does not ‘fit’ anything I’ve read.
Could you help me understand if a Turkish gentleman (early 40’s single) gives you their number what is their intention?
Also why is he happy to message but never asks me anything? Or doesn’t initiate conversation but answers my questions quite happily. (He is English isn’t great and my Turkish is almost non existent)