“If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.” ~Unknown
Last year I wrote about how my husband and I where having problems in our relationship not long after that article I decided to pack my bags and head home for a couple of months, to have a much needed break and to give us both time to clear our heads.
When I headed back to Turkey to be with my husband again, I found that though we had mended many fences, things where not that much better on my return, it was like we were both waiting for something to happen.
In my head I cursed my husband, looked for his faults and though I was trying hard not to get annoyed or upset and start a fight, my husband wasn’t doing any better, which of course lead us to arguments and being unhappy.
After one very bad argument where it really did seem like the end, I realised some important things that have lead to a complete turn around in our relationship in a very short space of time.
Firstly I want to say that in my opinion, women have become very selfish creatures brought about by this constant need to prove themselves, be in control, feeling we are oppressed and its our husbands and men in general that we take all our hang ups and issues out on them. For most of us living in Turkey we add in the hard done by feeling about living in Turkey, dealing with the culture and the in laws and general life here on top of all our other insecurities about life.
If we have kids, we of course think our husbands are lazy after working all day to earn the money for the home, if he doesn’t immediately take over the care of the children, because we are so tired after our hard day looking after the home, kids etc which just happens to be our day job. (this thought is for the housewives out there, not the working Mum’s!)
You might be beginning to see where I am going here……….
Yes, we women have the right to advance ourselves, to be appreciated, to be given time off the child care and to be understood and our needs met, I am not saying we don’t deserve or need that. But our aggressiveness and selfishness should be kept to the work place and not in the home.
We women don’t have the right to blame our husbands for our unhappiness, to beat them up because things are not perfect, to demand they do things because we are tried and not consider our husbands might be tired, its not up to them to deal with our issues with living in Turkey and they can’t help the culture, yes they can help make it easier but nagging and shouting at them isn’t going to get you what you want or make your life any better, you most probably will feel worse.
In short our husbands are not our doormats, we do not have the the right to walk all over them and be superior to them. They are our other half, they are our best friend, our team mate. Not a punch bag!!
I know, lots of metaphors going on, I will try to stop!!
“As soon as you stop making everyone else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be.” – Nina Guilbeau
I am not rewriting the book today, I am going to give you some common sense, which I had to swallow myself, it tasted worse than castor oil but it did me a load of good!
And here it is, the breaking news, You are in Charge of Your Own Happiness and its not some rubbish written in a quote which you think, yeah that’s true and then forget and continue blaming everyone around you for being unhappy. I will say it again, You are in Charge of Your Own Happiness, no one else, you are in charge of looking after yourself, no one else, you are in charge of you, no one else!!
The moment I admitted to myself I was unhappy, stressed, tired and not looking after myself, the minute things began to change in me and our home.
I forgot what had past and started looking forward, I stopped thinking about yesterday’s argument or last weeks or last years, I looked forward and started focusing on the important things.
I started to exercise again, nothing crazy a little yoga, a few stretches taking 30 minutes in the morning to do something for me, while listening to some relaxation music. I started eating better, drinking more water and looking after me. And I started to feel better on the inside, which is starting to show on the outside!
I looked around and what did I see, my beautiful son, my adorable husband, my lovely home and food in the cupboards. We have everything we need and I started to appreciate what I have and not worry about what we don’t have.
I tell myself every morning when I wake up that I am happy and content and positive (blushing!) but I do, I set myself up for a good day no matter what hits me, I will deal with it with a smile on my face.
“Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid” –Harlan Miller
And I stopped nagging my husband, I am not perfect and neither is he, we are going to have arguments or disagreements but its how we deal with those things. When he comes in from School I am there with a big smile on my face happy to see him. I let him relax after his day making money for us.
I make sure (which I always have) there is a tasty meal on the table and we have some good conversation. I let him find himself after work and guess what, he’s happier, he lets me sleep a little later in the morning, he is more helpful with our son, we are better as a whole, because I changed my attitude.
Men hate arguing, I have seen a similar pattern with my friends partners, they don’t want to deal with a grumpy miserable wife, Turkish men especially want to feel like they are the head of the house, that when they come back from work they are appreciated for what they do and not nagged at the minute they walk in the door. That not everyday brings another problem, they want to see their wife smiling and happy, it makes them feel good and stop being nervous about coming home, in fact for some they might actually start coming home.
And what I have found by making sure hubby feels like the king of his castle, he treats me better, he wants to please me. Your not giving in by treating him well, your not being a push over, your just creating a better home and life for yourself, your cutting out the crap and focusing on the good things.
By being happy instead of miserable it makes my husband happy and makes him want to please me and help out around the house, he’s funny and laughs more. He still does things that bugs me or says the wrong thing but instead of taking a mood I let it go, if it’s something I really must comment on, I do it calmly say it simply like, “what you said was hurtful” “going out every night means I don’t get to spend time with you, I would love it if your home more” then walk away, leave it be, let him think on it and you will see him adjust and change.
The minute we nag our husbands, the minute we put their backs up, you know how it is, if some tells you to do something you feel like doing the complete opposite, but if your asked nicely you feel obliged to do it.
You see by being selfish, not looking after yourself and not being happy, makes your husband unhappy, which leads to a negative energy between you both, so the smallest issues become the big issues and round you go.
By letting go of the negative, just deciding today I am going to be a better person, I am going to be happy, ignoring the small niggles and issues that don’t matter and just enjoying my life, my relationship with my husband and our life is better.
So today I want you to stop nagging your man, start looking after you and start being happy. Just try it for a week or two, even if at the start you have to pretend a little, because after a little bit you will start to feel it for real. And see what a difference it makes to you and your relationship. And then come and tell me if it worked or not.
“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you have a problem.” ― Richard Bach
After writing this post I felt the need to write a second part to this article to help explain more about Being Happy, follow this link to read it. Being Happy with your Turkish Husband Part 2
© 2014 – 2016, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.