Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband…

By | on 20th January 2014 | 27 Comments

“If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.” ~Unknown

Last year I wrote about how my husband and I where having problems in our relationship not long after that article I decided to pack my bags and head home for a couple of months, to have a much needed break and to give us both time to clear our heads.

When I headed back to Turkey to be with my husband again, I found that though we had mended many fences, things where not that much better on my return, it was like we were both waiting for something to happen.

In my head I cursed my husband, looked for his faults and though I was trying hard not to get annoyed or upset and start a fight, my husband wasn’t doing any better, which of course lead us to arguments and being unhappy.

After one very bad argument where it really did seem like the end, I realised some important things that have lead to a complete turn around in our relationship in a very short space of time.

beinghappywith your turkish husband

Firstly I want to say that in my opinion, women have become very selfish creatures brought about by this constant need to prove themselves, be in control, feeling we are oppressed and its our husbands and men in general that we take all our hang ups and issues out on them. For most of us living in Turkey we add in the hard done by feeling about living in Turkey, dealing with the culture and the in laws and general life here on top of all our other insecurities about life.

If we have kids, we of course think our husbands are lazy after working all day to earn the money for the home, if he doesn’t immediately take over the care of the children, because we are so tired after our hard day looking after the home, kids etc which just happens to be our day job. (this thought is for the housewives out there, not the working Mum’s!)

happy turkish husband

You might be beginning to see where I am going here……….

Yes, we women have the right to advance ourselves, to be appreciated, to be given time off the child care and to be understood and our needs met, I am not saying we don’t deserve or need that. But our aggressiveness and selfishness should be kept to the work place and not in the home.

We women don’t have the right to blame our husbands for our unhappiness, to beat them up because things are not perfect, to demand they do things because we are tried and not consider our husbands might be tired, its not up to them to deal with our issues with living in Turkey and they can’t help the culture, yes they can help make it easier but nagging and shouting at them isn’t going to get you what you want or make your life any better, you most probably will feel worse.

In short our husbands are not our doormats, we do not have the the right to walk all over them and be superior to them. They are our other half, they are our best friend, our team mate. Not a punch bag!!

I know, lots of metaphors going on, I will try to stop!!

“As soon as you stop making everyone else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be.” – Nina Guilbeau

I am not rewriting the book today, I am going to give you some common sense, which I had to swallow myself, it tasted worse than castor oil but it did me a load of good!

And here it is, the breaking news, You are in Charge of Your Own Happiness and its not some rubbish written in a quote which you think, yeah that’s true and then forget and continue blaming everyone around you for being unhappy. I will say it again, You are in Charge of Your Own Happiness, no one else, you are in charge of looking after yourself, no one else, you are in charge of you, no one else!!

The moment I admitted to myself I was unhappy, stressed, tired and not looking after myself, the minute things began to change in me and our home.

I forgot what had past and started looking forward, I stopped thinking about yesterday’s argument or last weeks or last years, I looked forward and started focusing on the important things.

I started to exercise again, nothing crazy a little yoga, a few stretches taking 30 minutes in the morning to do something for me, while listening to some relaxation music. I started eating better, drinking more water and looking after me. And I started to feel better on the inside, which is starting to show on the outside!

I looked around and what did I see, my beautiful son, my adorable husband, my lovely home and food in the cupboards. We have everything we need and I started to appreciate what I have and not worry about what we don’t have.

I tell myself every morning when I wake up that I am happy and content and positive (blushing!) but I do, I set myself up for a good day no matter what hits me, I will deal with it with a smile on my face.

“Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid” –Harlan Miller

And I stopped nagging my husband, I am not perfect and neither is he, we are going to have arguments or disagreements but its how we deal with those things. When he comes in from School I am there with a big smile on my face happy to see him. I let him relax after his day making money for us.

I make sure (which I always have) there is a tasty meal on the table and we have some good conversation. I let him find himself after work and guess what, he’s happier, he lets me sleep a little later in the morning, he is more helpful with our son, we are better as a whole, because I changed my attitude.

Men hate arguing, I have seen a similar pattern with my friends partners, they don’t want to deal with a grumpy miserable wife, Turkish men especially want to feel like they are the head of the house, that when they come back from work they are appreciated for what they do and not nagged at the minute they walk in the door. That not everyday brings another problem, they want to see their wife smiling and happy, it makes them feel good and stop being nervous about coming home, in fact for some they might actually start coming home.

And what I have found by making sure hubby feels like the king of his castle, he treats me better, he wants to please me. Your not giving in by treating him well, your not being a push over, your just creating a better home and life for yourself, your cutting out the crap and focusing on the good things.

By being happy instead of miserable it makes my husband happy and makes him want to please me and help out around the house, he’s funny and laughs more. He still does things that bugs me or says the wrong thing but instead of taking a mood I let it go, if it’s something I really must comment on, I do it calmly say it simply like, “what you said was hurtful” “going out every night means I don’t get to spend time with you, I would love it if your home more” then walk away, leave it be, let him think on it and you will see him adjust and change.

turkish husband

The minute we nag our husbands, the minute we put their backs up, you know how it is, if some tells you to do something you feel like doing the complete opposite, but if your asked nicely you feel obliged to do it.

You see by being selfish, not looking after yourself and not being happy, makes your husband unhappy, which leads to a negative energy between you both, so the smallest issues become the big issues and round you go.

By letting go of the negative, just deciding today I am going to be a better person, I am going to be happy, ignoring the small niggles and issues that don’t matter and just enjoying my life, my relationship with my husband and our life is better.

So today I want you to stop nagging your man, start looking after you and start being happy. Just try it for a week or two, even if at the start you have to pretend a little, because after a little bit you will start to feel it for real. And see what a difference it makes to you and your relationship. And then come and tell me if it worked or not.

“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you have a problem.” ― Richard Bach

 

After writing this post I felt the need to write a second part to this article to help explain more about Being Happy,  follow this link to read it.  Being Happy with your Turkish Husband Part 2

 

© 2014 – 2016, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.

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27 Responses to “Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband…”

  1. 21st January 2014

    Adventures In Ankara Reply

    Looking for a “like” button, although I liked and commented on FB. A question just came to mind. Does your husband read your blog and if so, does he have issues with such personal posts? Not saying it’s too personal. I appreciate your sentiments. Just curious.

    • 21st January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Yes, he reads my blog and I always check my articles with him. I have written a lot about our issues because I know so many are going through the same issues. Especially living in Turkey, you can feel isolated and I hope that by sharing I can help others and make them feel their not alone out there.

      I would feel very artificial writing about how great life always is when its not it has its ups and downs and really its ok to talk about.

      Thanks for your question, the like button is just at the bottom of the post x

  2. 21st January 2014

    Susan Jones Reply

    such a beautiful blog design! very nice posts.. I loved your blog! Hope you would be happy with your husband and family, ups and downs happens in relationships..

  3. 21st January 2014

    Mike Reply

    Good on you for being so open but I think counselling would do your marriage good coz then you could share your feelings with your husband instead of bottling them up and trying to force yourself to ignore his faults. It simmers beneath ans spills out again. Good luck

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Mike counseling is a very valid thing especially if comminication has broken down completely, but often it turns into you did this and you did that and nothing gets resolved. The only person you can change is you, if by changing your attitude and how you approach things in any relationship not just the martial one and still you don’t see any change in things, then you have to think about if this is a good relationship to be in. Communication is key to any relationship and I didn’t cover in this article but I am not saying you don’t talk to your other half, that you smile and just deal. But is it really important if your other half didn’t pick their socks up or squeezes the toothpaste tube the wrong way? not really, these little issues are either to do with your own feelings about something else, not feeling at your best, tired, stressed etc or there is a bigger issue and your using the small issue to get at your partner. I have had a lot of chats in the past two days with people and I realise there needs to be more said on what I am trying to get across so I have written a second piece.

      I hope you will read it and maybe understand more of what I am saying http://www.earthlaughsinflowers.info/turkish-living/my-turkish-husband/happy-turkish-husband-part-2/

  4. 21st January 2014

    charlotte çelik Reply

    amazing blog. i can relate to this totally.your completely right. i move here in 2009 i was 18 and it was all very exciting and sudden we had decided to get married and later on found out we were pregnant with our 1st daughter. this life is everything i have ever wanted and more but ı still found my self digging we dont have this your never home( as he ıs a bar owner working in tourisim) its tough i am ver close with my mother who we both miss each other terribly she comes over 3 to 4 times a year i am still yet to get my kids passports for england. i guess what i am trying to say ıs i was doıng thıs to my husband also mıserable face un happy moanıng why thıs why tht we dnt have thıs we dnt have tht and so on the more ı nagged the more ı ran as we all know ıt tough to survıve wıth money especıally when u have kıddıes but they are doıng there best they are doıng thıs for us buıldıng a future.i would cry nearly most days to my mother on the phone the amount of argument my husband and ı have had tht ıt ım goıng home etc or he ıs sendıng me home. when we sat down a talked about ı realısed tht ıt was allways me statrtıng the argument he never says anythıng bad to me he never moans hes allways happy ı realısed then ıt as me ı would begın the conversation tht turned ın to an argument.and from tht poınt on ıv made some changes like kerry has said AND IT WORKS. sınce ım not moanıng ı cant get rıd of hım hehehe hes allways home as now ıs wınter tıme he help to cook as he loves to cook anyway and he has allways done thıs but we do together now and he takes me ınto consıderatıon wıch ı thought he never dıd before actually he was ı was just too moany to see ıt anyway AMAZİNG BLOG i can completely relate to both good and bad in this. so laddies give it a try it does really work.

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Charlotte, I am so happy for you both that you realised where you were going wrong and found a way forward to be happy again. Especially marrying so young and then being a Mum, you can lose sight of things so easily. Wishing you many more happy years a head.

  5. 21st January 2014

    aysuk1 Reply

    It really is so true what you say. Since me and my husband got married I gained weight due to not working. I then became a couch potato and stopped taking care of myself. My husband used to tell me he dreaded coming home because I was so sad and argumentative, nagging as soon as he entered from work. As soon as I started to look after myself again, I started feeling great. which then made me look at everything different and I remember my husband saying to me that he was so happy to come home again. So really loving yourself helps to love others 😀 xx

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Exactly Aysuk, you have to be happy in yourself and look after yourself and only you can. Then you can look after those around you and make them happy to. xx Glad you found a way and are happy x

  6. 22nd January 2014

    backtobodrum Reply

    Glad to hear you have turned the situation around. Keep smiling.

  7. 22nd January 2014

    Mary Reply

    Great post! I recently overheard a work colleague asking a newly wed if she had trained her new husband yet!!! I was just cringing trained like you would train a puppy or something!! I just wanted to shout don’t listen to her she doesn’t have a clue lol!!! Glad to hear things are getting better for you.

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Thanks Mary, I do feel women have created this negative attitude about men and we have a habit of treating them like Shit to be frank. I think we need to change our attitudes and start appreciating our men and allowing them to appreciate us.

  8. 22nd January 2014

    Vicky B (Top of Turkey) Reply

    You make some very good points. I think also the fact of having a long-distance relationship makes you think that every thing is fine and hunky-dory when you are together. I felt the hardest bit was all over when we finally moved in together and didn’t have to rely on postal correspondence. But that was when the hardest part started – living together 24/7 and not dreaming of it! We split up for 3 months and were thoroughly unhappy before accepting that a relationship is something you cherish and work at, not just let it fall into your lap. Well done you for pointing that out.

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      I think in a long distance relationship you haven’t spent that much time together physically. I think in all our years together while we were apart we spent less than a year physically together in the same place. So when you do start living together you are still learning about each other and dealing with each other’s habits, its almost like the starting over again. I hope you have both found your happiness.

  9. 22nd January 2014

    Lyn İnce Reply

    Wow…İ know exactly where your coming from..11 years down the line and we are more like a lake than a rough sea. Give and take. A partnership. and i am so happy. we look forward and not back we always thank for what we have and dont moan about what we don’t have. and we jog along just nicely. but outs could have turned out the other way had lt not been for a little give and take. Lovely blog Kerry !!

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      I love that Lynn, a lake and not a rough sea, I think we are still choppy but not rough anymore. x

  10. 22nd January 2014

    ilyse Reply

    with 23 years under our belts I am impressed you have learned these lessons so early. I truly believe the answer to ‘how did you last so long’ is ‘we did not give up.’

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Thank you Ilyse, I have always believed marriage for life, and giving up because you argue instead of finding a way to be together is not an option for me really. Thanks for your comment 🙂

  11. 23rd January 2014

    Aleka Reply

    You’re lucky you can compromise Kerry….I’m 100% sure I can’t and i could never ever do that. I do give a lot, actually I could give my life for my romantic partner and my child but the thing is, I do demand things to be done my way at times too. On top, I’m too much of a whinner and too independent by nature. I hate the feeling of having to depend on someone else completely, I hate the feeling I have to always try to calm the “warrior” who was outside working for “me”. In my mind, men and women are simply equal so if I have to try to calm him down, well, he’d better try to calm me down as well! 😉 It’s true though that men and women aren’t the same. For sure they must be equal though…anyways, I don’t think I could be happy in any form of commitment, including a marriage ( i already have a destroyed one ) and it’s time for me to accept I just need a lot of time and space of my own 😀 Each one of us is different and each one of us has different needs…i had to ask myself what I prefer…to be maybe alone but happy with myself or to be with someone else and having to try and try and try….it’s a hard and tough dilemma. Some of us are just happier on their own maybe…..Good luck to you Kerry and e happy always dearheart! 🙂

    • 23rd January 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Hi Aleka, as you say we are all different and deal with life in our own way. I have a feeling there is that special someone out there that will be just right for you, I certainly didn’t think anyone would cope with me and was quite happy living with my horses. I didn’t need men! But destiny had other ideas for me. You will find your path and your way in life and I hope that it brings you so much happiness and Joy. xx

  12. 23rd January 2014

    Kerry Arslan Reply

    Hello everyone who took the time to read this article, since writing it I have had so many comments, emails and discussions with people over this topic. These made me realise that I hadn’t covered some things in this article that gives more understanding to what I am saying. So here is the second article on this topic. http://www.earthlaughsinflowers.info/turkish-living/my-turkish-husband/happy-turkish-husband-part-2/

  13. […] Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband… […]

  14. 5th July 2014

    Eat with Me Istanbul Reply

    At the beginning of my relationship, I acted based on so called western approaach, “Explain, it’s wrong, fix it, etc” but I realised that it only made my boyfriend feel reduced and nervous. Whether it be lucky or unlucky, I have both Asian and European values acquired from having lived in both cultures. Things go a lot more easily when I put more weight on my Asian side but I will not give in to ironing, even if he’s been begging me all those years! 🙂 The most valuable thing in life is a happy home without a doubt. My boyfriend has been really patient and understanding through my adjustment period. And I feek very grateful to him for that. He is also grateful to me for having inspired him to shed 25 kg! 🙂

    • 13th July 2014

      Kerry Arslan Reply

      Hi I think you are lucky to understand both cultures, it will help a lot with your future together. But do remember to be you and not get lost trying to fit in! Relationships are about give and take and working as a team and it sounds like you are both doing well with this. Good Luck x

      And well done to your boyfriends for losing so much weight a great achievement!

  15. 29th October 2015

    Mimi Reply

    I’m married to an American great man. In the first two years of our marriage, I was happy and nothing bothered me but this did not last forever. I have been through the same situation above in the year number three of my marriage. Finally I have decided to live it as it is and I agree that patience and feeling content is the best answer for all what is in partners mind as long as there is appreciation from both sides. btw,I visited Istanbul last week and I LOVED it.

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