Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband Part 2!

By | on 23rd January 2014 | 9 Comments

First I would like to say a huge thank you to all who have read my recent article, Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband, the response has been amazing and I have spent the past couple of days chatting with many of you. I have realised that this topic needs a little more written on it, that just one article doesn’t really cover all the points or clarifies some points that people have raised.

First a little about me, I believe in my Values and I don’t waver from them often, (my Dad thinks this is a strength and a weakness in me!) I am stubborn as a donkey and I am independent (comes from being an only child) I have a temper like a firework, one minute I am exploding about something, the next I am asking if you want a cup of tea!

happiness

Being in Charge of you own Happiness, is not about surrendering or being passive, I don’t think I ever could be passive, but its about looking after you, no matter if you are in a relationship or not. So many of us focus on issues that are not important, normally because we are tired, not looking after ourselves and sometimes its because we are avoiding the bigger issues, so the small ones become the big ones.

It’s also not about forgetting about you, in fact it’s the entirely opposite, its about looking after you first, you know the old drill on the air plane, put your own oxygen mask on, then attend to your child. Well its the same drill, if you look after yourself first, eat better, exercise, do things you like doing (reading a book, shopping, crafts, hobbies etc) and taking time out to chill. You can then look after others better.

By taking charge of your own happiness and looking after you, you end up creating a positive energy around yourself instead off a negative energy. This positive energy will by pure accident affect those around you, it will charge them, they will see you glowing and smiling and unless they are really miserable will start smiling to. You’ve met those people the ones who glow and you just can’t help but be pulled into their energy.

Well its the same for you, by looking after you and being positive and happy, people will be drawn to your positive energy and will instantly feel good around you. Your kids, your husband, family and friends.

A quick note on kids, by changing how I view things, looking after me, has changed how I interact with my little boy and has changed how he responds to me. He now more than often that not, does as I ask and he is more relaxed, less tantrums and problems. It has made him happier!

Why shouldn’t my husband change? I believe that no one can change unless they want to and if you really love someone you should do so unconditionally and not try to change them. I married my husband for who he is, I knew what he was like before I said “I Do” so why should I now complain about him.

This doesn’t mean you can’t sit down and talk to your husband about things and maybe ask him to think about how he approaches things or does things. Communication in any marriage is key, but its how you approach and how you put across what it is you want to say.

In no way am I saying be a “stepford wife” all smiles and never complain about things, just think about how you do it. Nagging and demanding will never get you anywhere with anyone. But by being rational and asking in a positive direct way, will help get your message across easily without causing a huge conflict.

We women are equal to men, but we are not the same, we respond differently to things. In general women are more emotional and men are more reserved, men tend to prefer the direct approach to things, where women whine and niggle till they get what they want. Which sets us all up for conflict. It is also fine to be aggressive and feminist in the work place but why should you be the hard warrior when you are with your husband, your best friend. Maybe by being your softer self he will be softer to.

I grew up with horses and this is going to sound a bit odd but this has stood me well and I should use it more often:

When a horse fights you tries to run away or pull, if you pull back the horse will pull/fight more. If you stop pulling and release the horse will stop pulling or fighting. It’s not giving in, its changing the energy.

So by being soft with your husband instead of warrior women you are changing the energy in your relationship and the same goes with your kids, friends and family.

There is a horseman I admire greatly and he was taught by an old cowboy, there is story of a man who comes to the ranch, he is very unhappy that the cowboy had sold the Man’s wife a horse without the Man’s permission, the Man would have fought the old cowboy, but the old cowboy kept his energy at negative he didn’t get upset, didn’t respond and with that the Man’s fight went out of him because he didn’t have another energy to fight with, he was fighting with himself and they resolved the matter peacefully.

So if you change your energy by being happy and positive you will change the outcome of your life and not just your relationship with your husband.

This isn’t about forgetting who you are, forgetting your values and principles, this isn’t about being passive or weak.

This is about being you, being the best you, a positive happy person, who loves life, is strong and independent. But Happy.

There is no point having values, principles, being strong, being independent, being you, if it makes you unhappy, because at the end of the day that means you are unhappy with only you!

I hope maybe you understand where I am coming from now, maybe this is the article should have maybe have been the first article, but then I wouldn’t have had so many great discussions with you.

Thank you for all your support, I wish you lots of happiness, love and laughter for all your years to come.

I am sure I will write more on this subject.

Kerry

© 2014 – 2016, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.

Print Friendly

Tags:

Recent Posts

Author Description

9 Responses to “Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband Part 2!”

  1. 23rd January 2014

    Pat Parkinson Reply

    You are a very wise young woman even if you are ” stubborn” I hope you remain always happy! My friend who I met in Kalkan has just married her Turkish partner,she’s older and been going to see him for years so will move there soon,hopefully she will be very happy too. There is certainly a lot of adjusting to do especially when you give up a full time good job to be with someone who prob has to change jobs as a chef each time a restaurant closes or the rents go up!!I admire you both for having the guts to go for a different life.xxxxx

  2. 23rd January 2014

    Aleka Reply

    I read and replied to your first post and read and will reply on this one too! It’s a great post, well explained and detailed. I haven’t lived in Turkey for long, unlike you but I’ve visited and I do understand what you mean saying you don’t say we women should give up on our values and principles and for sure, logic and discussion are better than fighting. Still, sadly, often there comes a time where you need to decide: fight or shut up? Because nothing you do works, not talking, not fighting, nothing. As i see it, the person who moves and changes country is the one who needs to adjust and compromise more, that’s how it is. We can’t ask from Turkey or any other country to adjust to us…we need to adjust to the society. And the person who is the “yabancı” 😉 is the one to do that….I also noticed the Turkish society IS different from the western ones…there are more social rules and it’s more strict, at least for my own taste. More family centered, more like “what my relatives/my mom/my friends will say about this”….I’m Greek and we have many similarities with Turks but still, Turkish society is too strict for me I’m afraid…I can adjust, actually i adjust fine almost everywhere but I ‘ll do need to sacrifice parts of my personality…because either we like it or not, our personality is also formed by the society we grow up into, you know what i mean? 🙂 To make the long story short, I think it’s about what and how many parts of your personality you think you can “sacrifice” ( I hate the word “sacrifice” but please excuse me for using it, my vocabulary in English isn’t so rich since it’s not my native language) …of course all marriages are more or less about compromises….the thing is, which is each one’s of us limits to compromising…because at some point you need to stop or you simply stop being you! 🙂 Hugs Kerry….keep up the great posts and be always well and happy with your beaufiful family!

  3. 23rd January 2014

    Aleka Reply

    I also want to add, I feel insecure and bad when I don’t have a job…and many Turks dislike their wife to work from what i have seen..or if she does, they simply complain if they have to help with housework (same like Greeks!) But here is the thing…I have grew up like that…women NEED to work…not only to be useful in society (even if indeed being a mom and a wife is also useful , maybe even more!) but because of things like “what if your husband cheats on you and leaves you?” or “what if you husband has an accident at work and needs to stay in bed for one year?”. I always feel I need to work and make money too, just in case..my parents and my childhood taught me that you must depend on others as less as possible..raisng my daughter the same way…and that well, either we like it or not like it…people change…..as I said, the way we grow up makes us…us 🙂 🙂 🙂 It’s hard for us all to change or adjust our personality…:)

  4. 24th January 2014

    Mike Reply

    I don’t think you should have to ‘work’ at a marriage or relationship in the early years, it should all come natural and when a couple are in those heady days of love they please each other without even thinking about it. If you have to try to please the other half it means there is a problem somewhere. It’s true you should look after yourself but you should look after yourself for YOU, not because you want to be in the best frame of mind to look after your husband. He should be looking after you, and he should be doing it because it comes naturally to him, not because he thinks it is his duty. Trying to change your pattern of thinking in order to please others is a very bad sign that something is wrong.

  5. 26th July 2014

    Janice Reply

    I have been with my Turkish husband for 28 years. In all this time we have had one argument. He is very urban and intellectual (an academic). I am a historian and work at a university. We met at a jazz festival.
    We are on the same frequency. And his mother, a chemical engineer, raised him to be a feminist. He does dishes, irons clothes, changed our baby’s diapers, naturally. He is lovely. He is an excellent son, husband and father.
    Should you have to work at a marriage? It’s not exactly “work”– but it does take attention to detail, and realizing that once unkind words have gone through your lips they cannot be unsaid. That can be difficult some times, but it gets to be a very nice habit. We both come from families that talk rather than fight. We find a polite way to say it.
    As for living in a foreign country. Remember this, make it your slogan: “It’s not better or worse; it’s just DIFFERENT.”
    I find that Turks do not expect me to be Turkish. It is enough that I be polite, speak their language and show curiosity in whatever they are doing.

  6. 17th December 2014

    Sarah Reply

    Hello Kerry, I agree with your approach completely. I just wanted to ask you if you have a recipe to manage looking after yourself after you had a baby. If you don’t live close to family or anyone who is willing to look after the baby for an hour every day, you just can not exercise. I am a health freak and I go to the gym and eat well and I enjoy it for myself and my own wellbeing. But after I had my first child the most frustrating thing was that I could no longer exercise. I admit I am not very flexible when it comes to my routine, I need to do something every day at least 50 minutes, otherwise its not a routine and my motivation will die, its needs to be a daily thing for me, like running, swimming, riding a bicycle and weight training. The first year I managed to ride my bicycle with my baby in a trailer every morning but once it got too boring for him to stay in there for an hour, it no longer worked, I am not going to let him cry for an hour.
    While he was 1 – 5 years old I put on 20 kg and my relationship ended for good, I was so unhappy and depressed because once I can not exercise, I also stop eating well, for me both only works together 🙁 The father did not look after the baby to allow me to exercise regularly, he didnt work either .. he was a smoker so unable to look after a baby for more than 15 min between cigarettes : /
    I told him that it is very important for me.. but he was hardly ever there and so it all didn’t end well.
    Now that my child is in school I can exercise I feel better and lost 10 kg already. I might be looking for a new partner because for the first time I feel better about myself again. But what if I have another baby, things will just repeat I feel … its so stressful to look after a child all alone for 5 years, every day and every night. I did not go out a single time, for 6 years I was in bed sleeping at 8 pm. My child was also not able to stay with anybody but me because he wasnt used to it, there just wasn’t anybody trustworthy nearby. I have no family either.
    I like a turkish man but don’t think they are generally very involved with babies .. to that degree that would allow me to exercise, no idea ..

    Thanks for your interesting stories.

  7. 25th April 2016

    Virginia Reply

    This is the best advice I’ve ever been given. Where have you been all this time?, I have spent a lot of money in my psychologist!. You, in 5 minutes, have made me open my eyes and see all clear, something that she couldn’t do in half a year.
    Now it’s nearly 2am here…but I promise I’ll start tomorrow and I’m sure that It’ll be hard but it’ll worth it.
    You and I are soooo similar…I’m so happy I found your blog!.
    Thanks a lot for your wise advise and for sharing all that with all of us.

  8. 4th March 2017

    Lisa Ustok Reply

    Great blog, wise words and help for having Turkish husband

Leave a Reply