First I would like to say a huge thank you to all who have read my recent article, Being Happy with Your Turkish Husband, the response has been amazing and I have spent the past couple of days chatting with many of you. I have realised that this topic needs a little more written on it, that just one article doesn’t really cover all the points or clarifies some points that people have raised.
First a little about me, I believe in my Values and I don’t waver from them often, (my Dad thinks this is a strength and a weakness in me!) I am stubborn as a donkey and I am independent (comes from being an only child) I have a temper like a firework, one minute I am exploding about something, the next I am asking if you want a cup of tea!
Being in Charge of you own Happiness, is not about surrendering or being passive, I don’t think I ever could be passive, but its about looking after you, no matter if you are in a relationship or not. So many of us focus on issues that are not important, normally because we are tired, not looking after ourselves and sometimes its because we are avoiding the bigger issues, so the small ones become the big ones.
It’s also not about forgetting about you, in fact it’s the entirely opposite, its about looking after you first, you know the old drill on the air plane, put your own oxygen mask on, then attend to your child. Well its the same drill, if you look after yourself first, eat better, exercise, do things you like doing (reading a book, shopping, crafts, hobbies etc) and taking time out to chill. You can then look after others better.
By taking charge of your own happiness and looking after you, you end up creating a positive energy around yourself instead off a negative energy. This positive energy will by pure accident affect those around you, it will charge them, they will see you glowing and smiling and unless they are really miserable will start smiling to. You’ve met those people the ones who glow and you just can’t help but be pulled into their energy.
Well its the same for you, by looking after you and being positive and happy, people will be drawn to your positive energy and will instantly feel good around you. Your kids, your husband, family and friends.
A quick note on kids, by changing how I view things, looking after me, has changed how I interact with my little boy and has changed how he responds to me. He now more than often that not, does as I ask and he is more relaxed, less tantrums and problems. It has made him happier!
Why shouldn’t my husband change? I believe that no one can change unless they want to and if you really love someone you should do so unconditionally and not try to change them. I married my husband for who he is, I knew what he was like before I said “I Do” so why should I now complain about him.
This doesn’t mean you can’t sit down and talk to your husband about things and maybe ask him to think about how he approaches things or does things. Communication in any marriage is key, but its how you approach and how you put across what it is you want to say.
In no way am I saying be a “stepford wife” all smiles and never complain about things, just think about how you do it. Nagging and demanding will never get you anywhere with anyone. But by being rational and asking in a positive direct way, will help get your message across easily without causing a huge conflict.
We women are equal to men, but we are not the same, we respond differently to things. In general women are more emotional and men are more reserved, men tend to prefer the direct approach to things, where women whine and niggle till they get what they want. Which sets us all up for conflict. It is also fine to be aggressive and feminist in the work place but why should you be the hard warrior when you are with your husband, your best friend. Maybe by being your softer self he will be softer to.
I grew up with horses and this is going to sound a bit odd but this has stood me well and I should use it more often:
When a horse fights you tries to run away or pull, if you pull back the horse will pull/fight more. If you stop pulling and release the horse will stop pulling or fighting. It’s not giving in, its changing the energy.
So by being soft with your husband instead of warrior women you are changing the energy in your relationship and the same goes with your kids, friends and family.
There is a horseman I admire greatly and he was taught by an old cowboy, there is story of a man who comes to the ranch, he is very unhappy that the cowboy had sold the Man’s wife a horse without the Man’s permission, the Man would have fought the old cowboy, but the old cowboy kept his energy at negative he didn’t get upset, didn’t respond and with that the Man’s fight went out of him because he didn’t have another energy to fight with, he was fighting with himself and they resolved the matter peacefully.
So if you change your energy by being happy and positive you will change the outcome of your life and not just your relationship with your husband.
This isn’t about forgetting who you are, forgetting your values and principles, this isn’t about being passive or weak.
This is about being you, being the best you, a positive happy person, who loves life, is strong and independent. But Happy.
There is no point having values, principles, being strong, being independent, being you, if it makes you unhappy, because at the end of the day that means you are unhappy with only you!
I hope maybe you understand where I am coming from now, maybe this is the article should have maybe have been the first article, but then I wouldn’t have had so many great discussions with you.
Thank you for all your support, I wish you lots of happiness, love and laughter for all your years to come.
I am sure I will write more on this subject.
© 2014 – 2016, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.