Being Married to a Turkish Man was never going to be easy, but over the past few months its been a very stressful time, we have been sitting waiting on a transfer for my hubby to a new school, which never came and we have had to reconcile ourselves to another year in Sakarya. Our recent trip to my husbands home, was good in parts but we all ended up ill and came home a week early to move apartments.
In the end we didn’t need to move apartments which was a huge sigh of relief, but we found ourselves with a bigger problem which has been shadowing us for a few months now and that is our relationship has hit a rock and we have been having a lot of arguments!
Why am I telling you this?
For a start I want to be always open and honest with you my readers and secondly I want to share with you our problems because I know we are not the only Turkish/Expat couple to be having issues and struggling to dealing with them far from home with no family and friends around to provide support.
I have spoken to my expat friends, who have also had problems and most these problems seem to stem from the Culture clashes or maybe if we put it a better way a different way of thinking to each other. This happens in all relationships from time to time, where you get out of sync with each other and loose your path. But does it signify the end of a relationship because you hit a rough patch?
No, I don’t think it does well certainly not for us and not for my friends, but of course its not always possible for some. But I do believe very much that marriage is a work in progress and if we didn’t have the odd issue how can we grow stronger and change to be a better couple?
What pulled us down was I turned into a nagging wife, I read something not long ago about dealing with a toddlers tantrums and it said, pick your battles, if giving in to a chocolate bar isn’t an huge issue for you then give the chocolate bar, but if sticking his fingers in the electric socket, is not ok, then deal with it, but don’t get into battles over every little thing.
I had been arguing about my hubby having a chocolate bar instead of when he stuck his finger in the electric socket! Let the little things slide or find a compromise and laugh at these silly moments, then when a true issue comes up approach it calmly and have a conversation about it don’t fly into a rage and he will most likely listen because he hasn’t had you in his ear everyday.
If you don’t then you may just find yourself at the point of no return, we found ourselves there, and it was a shock to both of us, that point of no return and facing the end. It was most likely the shock we needed to show us both the errors of our ways.
After nearly 8 years together, and most of those years long distance its taught us we can get through anything, we fought hard for our relationship and giving up now would be so sad. We love each other and want our marriage, so that is a great springboard to getting over of our issues.
Being in a mixed Cultured relationship often brings up different issues and sometimes you feel like your hitting your head off a brick wall while you work your way through a maze of issues you never thought existed. Most without precise answers and a lot that you find you have to back down on just for peace.
A lovely Expat friend of mine who is also married to a Turk and been here a lot longer than me told me this:
“I think that coming from western cultures we enter into marriage here with the same expectations as we would in our home countries. It doesn’t work like that here. I have many friends who have been here as long as and longer than me and we all had similar experiences to you all. Yes we threatened divorce, going back to our families… but every one of us are still here and are happy. Marriage is about give and take and if we truly love someone we accept their faults too. It does get much easier but I think that the settling down period between a mixed marriage takes much longer than a normal one…..up to 8 years or so and after that you will most likely find that your husbands become angels and adore you as you are.. at least thats my experience.”
This is the best bit of advice I have heard and think it is very true. So going on the 8 years, we only have 4 left to go eek!
I also think as individuals in a relationship we can’t rely on our other half to make us happy, to be positive or to change. We have to look at ourselves and see how we can change for the better and make ourselves a better version of YOU and not anyone else, you have the choice to be happy or to be sad, to be positive or to be negative. No one else can decide these for you. I 100% believe by changing my attitude and my energy I can make a huge difference in our relationship by being a better me.
But I can hear you scream, but he won’t change!! Well you can’t make him, In my opinion and part of my values is you can’t make another person change you have to love people unconditionally or your not really loving that person. Your husband has to choose to change, but if you come from a better place and approach your relationship in more positive way, and radiate a positive energy (unless he is a complete jerk) then he may start to change his own actions and see where he is going wrong.
In all relationships you have to remember your a team and that compromise and working together will make it a success. You can’t always stand your ground on every matter sometimes you have to give in, your not always right. Sometimes its your partner that has to give way and other times you need to find the middle ground. You will both change and grow as you get older and will have to adjust to each other and new things, but that’s what keeps the fires burning.
Despite all we have been through as a couple, we know what we want and that is to be together and we will work together to build a stronger relationship that will hopefully carry us into our old age together.
Thank you for listening and I can only hope if you are going through struggles yourself that you know your not on your own and if you want it to work then you will find a way!
© 2013 – 2015, Kerry Arslan. All rights reserved.